If you are anything like me, your first draft is riddled with passive writing. What is passive writing? It’s when you are telling the story instead of allowing the action to play out for the reader. It’s when you use the words ‘was’ and ‘were’ and so on. I think it happens to all of us. Don’t worry about it. Write the book. Get the story on paper (or computer) before worrying about things like passive writing.
I’ll give you an example. Last week I was working on a new book. The first chapter is always hard for me. I wrote and rewrote page one to page ten on Bait. Every time I thought I was happy with it I would put it away and return the following day to read it. Again and again I needed to change things. Once I was happy with the way the story was going I started to look at my word choices. It was not a pretty sight. Passive writing started in sentence one. Here is my original sentence: Jessica was cold.
Seriously. I’m not kidding. I actually started my new book with Jessica was cold. Yuck! Almost makes me want to puke. To change this from passive to active, I rewrote the sentence. Here is my new sentence: The temperature in Jessica’s bedroom dropped thirty degrees.
Better. Much better. Now that was an extreme change. Most of the time I don’t start off with such a terrible sentence. Before tackling a tough rewrite, put space between yourself and your book. I like to take a week off, but a lot of writers say three weeks to a month is better. Take some time to breathe. Enjoy taking long walks or hot baths. Work on something else for a while. Then when you return to your book you can read it with a fresh eye and catch the passive writing. To be sure you caught it all, have someone else look it over.
Your characters should be real people to you. Watch them interact as if you are watching a movie. Then describe it to your reader, but don’t just tell them the story. Allow them to feel it. Crush strawberries on someone’s tongue, describing how the juices squirt into the back of their mouth. Hit them in the jaw with another character’s fist or knock them out of a tree. Give them a headache when their children are running across the living room, chasing each other and yelling.
Become more aware of words like ‘was’ and ‘were.’ Avoid them when you can and tighten your writing. Remember to allow your characters to breathe. Don’t tell their story. Show it to the reader. And happy writing.
Today I am super excited to share an extract from Taste by Kate Evangelista with you all!
Taste Excerpt
I mentally stomped on the intimidation their perfection brought into my mind and said, “Excuse me.” The group froze, startled by my words. The girls had their brows raised and the boys stopped mid-speech, mouths agape. They stared at me with eyes the shade of onyx stones.
I smiled and gave them a little wave. The boy a step ahead of the rest recovered first. His stunning features went from shocked surprise to intense interest. He reminded me of a hawk eyeing its prey. I gulped, “A Day Student,” he said, his eyes insolent and excited. Something about the way he said “Day Student” made my stomach flip. “Excuse me?” They snickered. The boys looked at each other while the girls continued to stare, muffling their laughter by delicate hands. I seemed to be the butt of some joke.
“You broke the rule.” The boy’s grin turned predatory.
The students formed a loose semi-circle in front of me. My gaze darted from face to face. Hunger filled their eyes. The image of lions about to chase down a gazelle came to mind. I mentally shook my head. I was in the mountains not the Serengeti for crying out loud. I took a small step back and cleared my throat. “Can any of you give me a ride back to the dorms?” The boy wagged his forefinger like a metronome. “Ah, that’s unfortunate for you.” One of the girls pinched the bridge of her nose. “Eli, you can’t possibly—” “It’s forbidden, Eli,” another boy interrupted, pronouncing the word “forbidden” like a curse.
The nervous murmur at the pit of my stomach grew louder. Six against one. Not good odds. Instinct told me to cut my losses and run. Bad enough I faced expulsion, now it seemed like weird, beautiful people who’d suddenly appeared on campus wanted to beat me up. No, scratch that. Judging from the way they studied me, beating me up wouldn’t satisfy them. Something more primal prowled behind their looks. I definitely wasn’t going down without a fight. Years of self-defense and hand-to- hand combat classes had me prepared. While other children from rich and important families got bodyguards, I got defense training. But I think my father meant for my skills to go up against potential kidnappers, not against other students who may or may not be crazy. Oh God! Maybe I stepped into a parallel universe or something when I reentered Barinkoff.
“None of the students are supposed to be on campus,” I said. Then, realizing my mistake, I added, “Okay, I know I’m not supposed to be here either. If one of you gives me a ride back to the dorms, I won’t say anything about all this. Let’s pretend this never happened. I didn’t see you, you didn’t see me.”
“We’re not ordinary students,” Eli answered. “We’re the Night Students.”
He’d said “Night Students” like the words were capitalized. I didn’t know Barinkoff held classes at night. What was going on here?
Eli smiled with just one side of his mouth and said to the group, “She’s right, no one will have to know. We’re the only ones here. And it’s been so long, don’t you agree?” The rest of them nodded reluctantly.
“What’s been so long?” I challenged. I fisted my hands, ready to put them up if any of them so much as twitched my way.“Since the taste of real flesh passed through my lips,” Eli said. He came forward and took a whiff of me then laughed when I cringed. “Flesh.” Yep, parallel universe. “Yes,” he said. “And yours smells so fresh.”
Someone grabbed my shoulders from behind and yanked me back before I could wrap my mind around the meaning behind Eli’s words. In a blink, I found myself behind someone tall. Someone really tall. And quite broad. And very male. I realized he wore the same clothes Eli and the other boys did. Not good. He was one of them. Although… I cocked my head, raking my gaze over him. He seemed born to wear the uniform, like he was the pattern everyone else was cut from. My eyes wandered to long, layered, blue-black hair tied at the nape by a silk ribbon. Even in dim light, his hair possessed a sheen akin to mercury.
I looked down. The boy’s long fingers were wrapped around my wrist like a cuff. His fevered touch felt hotter than human standards, hot enough to make me sweat like I was standing beside a radiator but not hot enough to burn. “I must be mistaken, Eli,” the boy who held my arm said in a monotone. “Correct me. Did I hear you say you wanted to taste the flesh of this girl?” A hush descended on us. It had the hairs at the back of my neck rising. How was it possible for the atmosphere to switch from threatening to dangerous? Unable to help myself, I peeked around the new guy’s bulk. Eli and his friends bowed. They all had their right hands on their chests.
“Demitri, I’m sure you misheard me,” Eli said. So the guy standing between me and the person who said he’d wanted to taste me was named Demitri. I like the sound of his name. Demitri. So strong, yet rolls off the tongue. Definite yum factor. “So, you imply I made a mistake?” Demitri demanded. “No!” Eli lifted his gaze. “I did no such thing. I simply wanted to show the girl the consequences of breaking curfew.”
“Hey!” I yelled. “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here!”
Demitri ignored my protest and continued to address Eli. “So, you threatened to taste her flesh.” His fingers tightened their grip around my wrist. “In the interest of investigating this matter further, I invoke the Silence.” All six students gasped, passing surprised glances at one another. Before I could ask about what was going on, Demitri yanked me down the hall toward the library. But why there? Oh, maybe we were getting my things. No, wait, hecouldn’t have known about that. Everything was too confusing now.
Eli and the others didn’t try to stop us when we passed them. Demitri’s cold command must have carried power. Handsome and powerful, never a bad combination on a guy. We reached the heavy double doors in seconds. He jerked one open effortlessly. I’d needed all my strength just to squeeze through that same door earlier. To him, the thick wood might as well have been cardboard. I raised an eyebrow and mentally listed the benefits of going to gym class. “Why are we here?” I asked after my curiosity overpowered my worry. I’d almost forgotten how frightened I’d been right before Demitri showed up. I wasn’t above accepting help from strangers. Especially from gorgeous dark-haired strangers with hot hands and wide shoulders.
Demitri kept going, tugging me along, snaking his way deeper into the library. I had to take two steps for every stride his legs made. I tried to stay directly behind him, praying we didn’t slam into anything. He stopped suddenly and I collided with him. It felt like slamming into a wall. “Hey,” I said, momentarily stunned. “A little warning would be nice!”
He faced me, and I gasped. His eyes resembled a starless night, deep and endless.
Their intensity drilled through me without pity, seeming to expose all my secrets. I felt naked and flustered beneath his gaze. “You could have died back there,” he warned.
Okay, I am literally just in the door from seeing the film.
I had to write this while it's all still fresh in my head, so excuse any typos, it's 11:30pm here.
Also there will be major film and book spoilers, so if you haven't read the book or seen the film, I advise you to come back when you have.
I went into the cinema expecting A LOT from this movie, and I think that most fans of the books will do as well. I wanted it to stay as close to the book as possible, I know they have to make changes here and there in order for it to work as a movie, but I really didn't want anything major to change at all!
Opening scenes kinda threw me a little bit, I was like nooo please don't start by changing things about at the very start. But after a couple of minutes you realise it's just to set the background and nothing is really different from the start of the book. I will say I was confused at seeing the coal miners going to work, I thought that The Reaping was mandatory and everyone had the day off work for it? Maybe it's just to show that district 12 are coal miners at the very start of the film. But I still thought it was strange.
The Capitol is everything I expected and much more. There is one scene where you see a father playing with his two kids. Of course they are Capitol children and all dressed up, but I think it is placed in there to show that Capitol children are safe from the Games. There are also a few clips of President Snow which I really liked as in the book he only really pops up at the very end. There is one scene when he is in the rose garden talking to Seneca and just as her turns to walk away, I noticed a smear of blood at the corner of his lips. Obviously intentional, and if you have read Mockingjay you will know why.
As for the actual game, I thought it went by too quickly. It seemed to only be set over a couple of days rather than weeks as it is in the book. The timings for some events, such as the Tracker Jacker attack was totally off. In the film that happens on the second morning, but in the books I'm sure that happens later on. The fire attack was brilliant though, I enjoyed that. Apart from that everything that happens in the game in the book, happens in the film as well.
I though the game itself would be weird to watch, as at that point in the book it's Katniss on her own and all we are reading are her thoughts. Someone they manage to pull this one off by going back to Caesar Flickerman who is giving a running commentary on the goings on in the arena. I loved this, especially at the Tracker Jacker scene when it explains what they are.
Overall, I loved it!
Best book to film adaptation I've ever seen, and thats saying something coming from the girl with a Harry Potter tattoo! It was completely true to the book with some amazing extra scenes added in.
There are a few differences I spotted in the film, if you noticed any more please let me know!
Mockingjay Pin - We all knew the origins of this was going to be different anyway.
Katniss almost dying of dehydration - She manages to find water right away in the arena.
Katniss going deaf - There is some buzzing and hearing loss straight after the explosion, but it isn't mentioned again and afterwords she seems to hear okay.
Mutts - They aren't the dead tributes returned (thank goodness)
Sleeping Syrup - None of it, Katniss just snuck out while Peeta was asleep, no mention of the syrup at all.
Gift from district 11 - There was no gift of bread to Katniss from district 11
Thats all I can think of for now. My head is still spinning a bit from the film. I might edit this post in the morning and add some more n if I think of any. But for now I am off to start re reading Catching Fire!
On my Kindle is a new weekly meme hosted by Totally Bookalicious, I think it's a brilliant idea as I find sometimes my In My Mailbox post is a bit too cluttered with both paperbacks and e-books.
